I was done with the garden.
Not gardening in general.
Just this garden. This year. These plants.
The hornworms had apparently mistaken my containers for an all-you-can-eat buffet. A pepper plant had been stripped leaf by leaf. A tomato plant was practically stems. Between those little monsters, squash vine borers, and everything else, my garden had become an emotional rollercoaster. 🐛 🪲 😡😭
I was ready to pull the plants and call it.
Then I went outside to water.
And there was new growth.
Tomatoes. Peppers. Flowers.
The plants I had already decided were finished were showing me otherwise.
“Uggggg! Just like God.”
Sigh. 🤦♀️
Those few new blooms were enough to make me pause.
Enough to encourage me to keep going.
And lately, I’ve been thinking about the woman who needs that kind of encouragement too.
The one crying in the shower.
Or sitting in her car, trying to get the tears out before she walks inside.
The one who dries her face, takes a breath, and spends the rest of her day looking like she’s doing just fine.
I know her.
I’ve been her.
I am still her at times.
Throughout my marriage, I cried in the shower. I felt alone and hopeless. And ashamed, because somehow I believed I was failing at life.
During my divorce, I cried and screamed in my car so my girls could not hear me. I was angry, desperate and heartbroken.
Even in the early days of building my relationship with Jesus, there were so many tears. I felt broken. Damaged. Ashamed. I was learning to bring all of that to Him, but learning didn’t mean it stopped hurting.
And throughout the challenges with Mable, there have been tears in secret because she needed me to be calm.
So I wiped my face.
And became the calm one.
It is a hard place to live when you don’t feel like there is someone you can call and be completely honest with.
You can be married and still feel isolated and alone.
You can be surrounded by family and friends and still feel alone.
I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. And yet, I have still felt deeply alone through so much of it.
Even now, I struggle to be completely honest about the things I’m truly carrying.
Sometimes people see the brave face because that is the only face I let them see.
Being vulnerable…TRULY vulnerable and honest does not come easily for me, which is funny because I am the first one to cry about everything. 🤷♀️
I am the strong one.
I am the encourager.
I am the dependable one.
I am the one that helps others.
I’m learning that God can place people in my life who will walk with me, accept me for who I am and where I am, and listen without judgement.
But I have to let them in.
I have to be honest about what I am struggling with.
I have to be honest about my loneliness.
I have to be honest about the hard road with Mable.
I have to be honest about my doubts, fears, and questions I am asking God.
Apparently, they cannot read the entire marching band in my head. Which is probably a gift for everyone involved. 😉
Over these fourteen years of growing with Jesus, one thing has become solid for me:
God truly cares for me. 🌸
He knows what happens behind my brave face.
Psalm 56:8 describes God keeping account of tears. That picture means so much to me. The tears I hid—and sometimes still hide—from everyone else have never been hidden from Him. He sees me. All of me. Even the parts I struggle to bring to Him. 🌸
He comforts my heart.
His peace has sustained me in places I could not fix.
And so often, He uses people to care for us.
Someone gives the hug.
Someone listens without needing us to tidy up the story first.
Someone prays with us when we can barely get the words out.
Sometimes it is a call, a text, an email, or a message that arrives with just the words we needed.
Sometimes it is a friendly smile.
Maybe even a stranger buying our coffee in the Starbucks line.
A small act of kindness can matter so much when you are carrying something heavy.
Those blooms didn’t erase everything that had happened in my garden. But they gave me encouragement to keep tending to it.
And sometimes, in the middle of a hard season, encouragement gives us enough to take the next step.
Maybe you are a single mom carrying more than anyone realizes.
Maybe you are a special needs mom facing the world of unknowns.
Maybe you are married but feel like you are parenting and carrying the household alone.
Maybe you are facing cancer, abuse, job loss, or bills you cannot figure out how to pay.
Maybe you have been in survival mode so long that you can’t picture anything changing.
You wonder how much longer you can do this.
I cannot tell you exactly how your circumstances will unfold. I am still bringing my own unfinished questions to Jesus.
But I can tell you this:
You are seen.
You are loved.
God intimately KNOWS you. ❤️
The exhausted you. The angry you. The you who cries in the shower and then goes out to make dinner.
You don’t have to find impressive words to talk to Him.
And here, you don’t have to pretend everything is fine.
In my prayer closet, I have 5×7 index cards taped to the walls and the door.
On each card, I write what someone has asked me to pray for.
Throughout the week, I pray over those cards. Some weeks it is daily. Other weeks it is once or twice.
And sometimes I look at that wall and cry.
“God, look at all of these people who need You. Please make Yourself known in a mighty way. You know all the information. You know what they need.”
That is how I pray sometimes.
Because I don’t know every detail.
But He does.
If you need prayer, you can leave a comment or email me at bloomblogprayers@gmail.com.
Share whatever you feel comfortable sharing. Comments are public, so email is an option for something you would rather send directly to me.
You can tell me what you are carrying.
Or simply say, “Please pray for me.”
I will write your request on a card and add it to my prayer wall.
I want this little corner of the internet to be a place where you know:
I see you.
I love you.
I will encourage you.
I will pray for you.
A place where you can let the brave face rest for a minute.
My garden made me pause when I thought there was nothing left.
Maybe today, this can be a little encouragement for you to keep going.
God sees you right where you are.
Even before anything changes.
I’m glad you’re here. — Jenni 🌸
Take It To Jesus – Anna Golden, Kari Jobe Carnes
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