Bloom Where You Are Planted

“God, use me.”

I pray that. I mean it.

Then I go about my day, and somewhere along the way I wonder if I’m supposed to be doing something else.

Something more.

I’m a single autism mom. I work. I take care of Mable. I talk to my friends. I encourage people. I write here.

It’s my daily life.

And sometimes it feels pretty invisible.

I see people going out into the world to share the gospel. Serving at church. Speaking to women. They seem to know their gifts and what God wants them to do with them.

Meanwhile, I’m over here asking questions. 🤷‍♀️

God, what is my purpose?

Am I missing something?

Are You using me?

Being a good friend doesn’t feel like some huge accomplishment. Encouraging someone isn’t a struggle for me. Maybe that’s part of why I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was little. I like helping people. I like seeing someone realize they can do something they thought they couldn’t.

But because those things come naturally, I don’t usually think of them as an assignment.

I’m just being me.

And apparently, in my head, that doesn’t always count.

That’s uncomfortable to admit, especially when I have “Bloom Where You Are Planted” tattooed on my arm. 🌸

I believe those words. The tattoo reminds me:

God’s got this.

Live where you are, in this moment.

Still, I can believe that and have questions about what He’s doing here.

I have doubts. I have faith. I’m growing.

Maybe you know what I mean.

You love Jesus. You want Him to use you. But your days are full of work, appointments, meals, caregiving, and things that will need doing again tomorrow.

You hear about someone else’s ministry and wonder where yours is.

You aren’t necessarily unhappy with your life. You just want to know that the way you’re living it is making a difference.

That’s where I am.

I struggle with being in the spotlight, but I still want to make an impact. When my life is over, I hope people can say, “She loved Jesus, and the way she lived led many of us to love Him too.”

That matters deeply to me. ❤️

I want women to know Him. To know they can bring Him the things they don’t know how to say out loud. To discover that a relationship with Jesus is for their actual life—the hard parts, the ordinary parts, all of it.

I want that for the woman reading this right now.

And sometimes I wonder how far my little corner of the world can reach.

Lately, though, there’s been something else alongside those questions.

A little excitement.

A little fear, too.

It feels like I have one foot in the safe, comfortable, predictable part of my life and one foot wondering what’s next. 🤔

I’m not restless. I’m not anxious to get away from the life I have. I love my life.

I’m just beginning to imagine possibilities.

Will my home become a place where more people feel safe to land?

Will God give me opportunities to speak to other women?

Will this blog grow, or will it stay small?

What might He do with something I haven’t even thought of yet?

I don’t know.

And yes, I would appreciate a few details. God knows this about me. 😂

But I want Jesus at the top of all of it.

Without Him, I have nothing.

I don’t want to become so excited about what might happen that I stop listening to Him. I want what He wants, even while I’m asking Him several questions about it.

So maybe there’s another question I need to sit with:

How do I live while I’m still asking, “God, are You using me?”

Because there’s a whole day to live before I have an answer.

Mable still needs me. There’s work to do. A friend may call. Someone may need prayer. There may be words to write, even if I don’t know who will read them.

I don’t always recognize what God is doing in those moments. Some days I’m distracted. Sometimes I don’t listen as well as I want to.

I can ask Him to help me pay attention. I can listen again. I can pray for the things I cannot fix. I can talk about Jesus honestly, including the places where I’m still learning to trust Him.

James 1:5 tells us that when we lack wisdom, we can ask God, who gives generously without finding fault.

I need that reminder. I can bring Him these questions without first figuring out the answers myself.

Asking for wisdom doesn’t mean I’ll suddenly get a detailed outline of everything ahead. But I can ask Him to help me recognize what faithfulness looks like today.

I don’t have to wait until I have a clear explanation of my purpose to take that step.

Looking back helps.

I love Leanna Crawford’s song “Thank God.” There’s a part about looking back on the harder road, the answers we didn’t want, and the possibility of another chance when we thought things were over.

That part gets me.

I can look back over my life and see ways God carried me that I couldn’t understand while they were happening. I can see growth. I can see provision. I can see why my relationship with Jesus became something I could no longer live without.

I don’t have that same view of today yet, and that is ok.

Maybe that’s why I need the reminder on my arm.

God’s got this.

Live where you are, in this moment.

I’m still asking Him to use me. I’m still wondering what might be ahead.

But tonight, my prayer is a little more specific.

God, help me see what You want me to do today. Help me hear the person in front of me. Keep teaching me. And when it’s time to take a step into something new, help me follow You there.

If you’ve been asking Him similar questions, you can bring those questions to Him, too.

We can have faith and still need wisdom.

We can be grateful for where we are and a little scared of what comes next.

Jesus, help me keep You at the top of it all.

I’m glad you’re here.
— Jenni 🌸

Thank God – Leanna Crawford